13 Reasons Why The Flash Edition
by 0re0C00ki35.xo
Summary: After Barry's suicide, 13 tapes mysteriously show up on Iris' doorstep. You can't stop the future. You can't rewind the past. All you can do is press play. And that is exactly what Iris does.
1. chapter 1

Iris pushed her apartment door closed with tired arms, leaning against the plank of wood in despair. She sighed to herself and closed her eyes.

She could still smell him around the house. See him. Hear him. Sense him. It was like what they always joked he was.

"The West's white shadow."

It was only teasing as a kid, but now, now it couldn't be more true.

It had been a fortnight. Fourteen days since her Barry Allen killed himself in this ver apartment. She had willed herself to return here after it happened, she refused to let the last thing she had of Barry rot away.

No one was the same. Most of the team was haunted, empty, broken. It was like Barry was the glue which held them all together. Like he brought this light with him. But now, it was gone.

What was here though, was new. On the table, was an old looking box. It was strange. She didn't have any deliveries. She dropped her keys on the counter and slowly approaced the box, afriad of what she might find. Opening it slowly, she sighed in relief and confusion as she found... tapes?

13\. To be exact. There was also a set of headphones and a strange looking rectangle that was probably used to play the old fashioned plastic hardware. But, who would've left tapes for her at a time like this?

Usually it would be flowers or 'we're sorry for your loss' cards. Maybe even a box of chocolates to go with them. But, tapes? It seemed so different. So dorky. So...

...Barry.

But that couldn't be. He died. Her love of her life killed himself two weeks ago. The sweet kid had left everything he ever cared behind to pick up the pieces. He was gone.

Wasn't he?

She slowly sat down in a chair next to table, shakily fumbling with the first tape and the headphones. What was this? Who would leave this?

After about 5 minutes of fiddling with the tape, she managed to settle down and prepare to listen.

She pressed play.

"Hey, it's me. Barry. Barry Allen. Live and in stereo."

Her heart stopped and her breath hitched.

"That's right. Don't adjust your whatever you're hearing this on. It's me."

She wouldn't dare. It was him.

"And I hope you're ready. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why I'm not living it. Yeah, that's right. In case you didn't already know, I'm dead. And I'm about to tell you why."

It hurt her inside on how calm and collected he sounded.

"Now, if you're listening, that means you are one of the reasons I'm dead. There are 13 reasons why I'm not here, and you're one of them. If you're listening, I guarantee you're name will pop up. I promise."

Iris gasped to herself. She felt sick. How did she kill Barry? How did she fail him?

"Now, there are two rules. Number one, you listen. To them all. Number two, you pass it on. When you hear your tape, and don't worry I won't tell you which tape is yours, pass it on to the name after yours, unless that person's dead, then skip to the next one. AFTER you have finished listening, of course. Number 13, you get to keep the tapes. It's up to you what you want to do with them, destroy them, keep them, whatever. Don't break the rules. You broke me, so you owe me this. You all do."

Her heart thudded in her chest. She had no idea what Barry was talking about. She had no idea what any of this was about. But if Barry wanted her to listen. Then she would.

"I remember hearing someone say something once. And ironically, it applies. You ready? You can't stop the future, you can't rewind the past, all you can do if press play. Ironic, right? So go on. Press play."

She did as she was told, her anxiety only climbing with each moment passing.

"Without further ado, let's continue. You ready, Caitlin? Congratulations. You're first on the list..."

And Iris couldn't press pause.


	2. Tape 1, Side A

Iris couldn't handle this. Barry was blaming them for him killing himself. Blaming her! She felt sick. With him, with herself, she wasn't sure. What did she do to him that made him want to die?

He'd been through so much since before his mum died. She would be lying to herself if she said she was surprised he did that to himself. She would have probably done the same, just so much earlier.

She could guess what Barry was going to say on the tapes. What Caitlin had done. What anyone had done. She just couldn't figure out why she would be on them.

She didn't want to figure out why she was on them. She wouldn't be able to handle the thought that she had killed Barry.

She didn't know if she could do this.

"You're probably shocked. Suprised that you're on these tapes Caitlin. But I was shocked too, when you did what you did. How could you do that? Why would you do that?"

Do what?

"Maybe you didn't think of the consequences. Maybe you didn't realise. Maybe you weren't in control. Or maybe you just wanted to hurt me. Well congratulations again Cait, you did."

Iris tensed. What did Caitlin do?

"I understand it wasn't fully you. I get that. But we never spoke about it. I waited for you to bring it up Caitlin but you just ignored it, and in doing so, you ignored me!"

Iris flinched at the way his voice broke at the end of the sentence. He could barely get past the first tape. How did he go through all 13?

"For most of you, you might be confused about what I'm talking about. In reality, I'm talking about a few different scenarios that took place. Let me lay them out for you. Let me tell you, Caitlin, why you're on these tapes."

She held her breath.

"In the begginning, you, and everyone else, locked me in that pipeline. Remember that? You might not, because to you it was just another monster you were locking away for safe keeping. But to me? It was my entire family walking away from me. Abandoning me."

Guilt settled in her own stomach. A sickening feeling as she was reminded about what they did to him. They didn't mean it like that. But why did he blame Caitlin?

"You know Cait, you're most definately defending your actions right now with something along the lines of, 'but it wasn't just me' when actually your betrayal is what stung most. Suprising, right? I was suprised too. But in a bad way. Let me tell you why."

A pang of jealousy and confusion hit Iris. Surely her or Joe making the decision would've hurt more? She hated the very idea, but she felt the need to defend Caitlin somehow. Why is he blaming her for something that all of them did? Why her specifically?

"You told me you knew how I felt. You told me you were there for me. I just watched my father murdered in front of me, in the exact same place as my mother was murdered in front of me, and you have the audacity to tell me that 'you get it'?! I don't think you do. You never did. And I hope you never will. Actually, scratch that. There's a little part of me which does. But that's normal. Human."

It was. Iris could agree with that. But considering the amount of loss Caitlin has suffered, Iris always thought that Caitlin would be the one person who understood Barry's grief the most.

"You didn't watch Ronnie as he died. You didn't witness your enemy kill your loved one because of your very existence. You didn't hear them mumble their last words as they took their final breath, watching the light die in their eyes. You get it, huh?"

He scoffed, and Iris could almost see the shake of his head and small annoyed smile tugging at his lips.

"No, I know you don't. But good old Caitlin had to try ro guilt trip me into forgetting about me grief. You made the situation about you. About your grief. What about mine? What about me?"

Iris' face scrunched up in confusion. But her sinking stomach told her that Barry was right.

"I deteriorated, keeping to myself because I couldn't trust you. I still can't. I couldn't talk to you, to any of you, about any of this. But moving on from that repeated 'i can never trust you', there is also another reason I no longer trust you. It might confuse you at the start, but you're going to listen to me. You're going to, for once, understand me. You never did when I was alive, but now you're going to take the time. Cue drumroll... Killer Frost."

What?!

"Now now, stop being so shocked. You knew it was coming. It was basically the big elephant in the room whenever I came to STAR labs and you were there. Now before I start, I know that Killer Frost was more my fault than yours, but let me let you in on the story Caitlin. Let's see if you really do understand where I'm coming from."

Confusion was the first thing Iris felt, then it was shock, frustration, then sadness. Why was Barry doing this? Why was he so difficult? Why did he have to do this to himself? To them? To her?

"See Caitlin, you knew that you couldn't be trusted. You knew what was happening to yourself. I get you didn't want to accept it, I get that. But why let me try and trust you again? Why would let me think that at least one person I care about has my back -to an extent? You allowed me to open up to you, about Dante, Cisco, just Flashpoint in general while you knew you might go AWOL. Why would you let me trust you to go and just stab me in the back?"

Everyone knew that Killer Frost wasn't Caitlin's fault. But what Barry was saying is true. Iris knew that much. Caitlin knew the whole time what was happening and still didn't mention it.

"The funny thing about being evil and hurting those you care about, is that you rarely lie. When you were saying how I was responsible for Ronnie, Eddie, my parents... I told you that you were sick... you weren't. You really really weren't, because they were my fault. Karma's a bitch. I hurt you, so you ruin me. My fault, I guess, right? That's something I can hear you say."

Tears welled up in Iris' eyes. She didn't want to believe that Barry thought so badly about himself. About his friends. They hav- had his back. They always did, were they that bad at showing it?

"You didn't destroy much, just me. And my friendship with Cisco. Cisco ruined so much more. But to be honest, you started it. Childish, I know. But that's why you're on these tapes Cait, because I couldn't trust you anymore. And I thought about too much, until I realised that I couldn't really trust anyone. So, in summary, you broke my trust... thanks."

He was right. Iris knew that. So far he seemed right about everything he said. That meant he was probably right about everyone, about her. She had to talk to Caitlin. She had to find out if she had seen the tapes too.

"Let's, ironically, rewind to what I said earlier about Cisco. How you, Cisco, ruined so much more than Caitlin did. Want to find out why? Either way, you are, because you owe me this. Cisco, you're next on the list."

Iris had to stop, she had to talk to Caitlin before she found out anymore about why Barry- why he did what he did.

"Turn over this tape to listen to the reason why Cisco caused my suicide."

Iris pressed pause. She gathered her things, and packed the tapes in her bag before heading out to find Caitlin. She smiled a little at the irony.

She had pressed pause.


	3. Chapter 3

Empty. That was the only way to describe it. STAR labs felt empty to Iris. As she walked slowly through the abandoned corridoor, her own shadow and the silence greeted her coldly, painfully reminding her of what she lost. What they all lost.

It wasn't just Barry who had died. It was also that very close bond everyone had tied with everyone else. They all used to talk everyday, share banterous coversations and stick together as a team when the time came.

Her and Caitlin were the closest out of the STAR labs team. Everyone else may not have known it, but she did.

They came to each other when they saw a cute guy (when they were both single obviously) and always shared a coffee break at jitters to try and catch said guys again. They always encouraged each other to be happy, and helped each other back up when they weren't.

She lost that the same day she lost Barry. It was like Barry was the glue that held everyone together.

And now it had all be torn apart.

She shrugged off the uneasy feeling as she strutted through the corridoors, her heels clicking loudly, announcing her entrance.

In the cortex, sat Caitlin and HR, both silently working. HR was in the lab area, seemingly pouring different colour liquids together in different vials. On one of the computers sat Caitlin, her head almost touching the screen as she clicked and typed through different windows on the computer. Neither seemed to notice her enterance.

She was glad that for the moment they didn't. Her eyes scanned the room, and they glistened with fresh tears when she saw what no one had had the heart to put away.

The dark red suit near the TV. She almost forgot what it looked like, but she recognised every detail. It was like her mind had clogged up every memory of Barry in order to stay sane.

She remembered how tight the mask had been around Barry's hair, and how whenever he took it off his hair would be flat but in all directions.

She remembered the boots, and the way they lacked the stealthy silence Barry needed in many situations.

She remembered the 3 lightning symbols on the suit, two earpieces and the one major symbol which stood out from the red.

Something was new though, something Iris couldn't bare to look at.

Two thin, long slashes along the arm sleeves, from the wrists up.

She hadn't... found Barry. But she saw the body, still dressed in the suit after they had called her. The long gashes showed that what had happened was real.

That this time, Barry wasn't okay.

It appears he never was.

Iris tore her eyes away before she could break down. They still hadn't noticed her prescence.

'Barry Barry Barry Barry' her mind reeled.

She shook her head before making her prescence known, "Guys?"

Both of them stopped and turned around, Caitlin held a look of confusion, worry, pity, grief, shock, and happiness.

Who knew a girl could glare so much emotion?

HR saw her and his entire face lit up before coming out of the lab and giving her a hug.

"Miss West! Long time no see!" He smiled carefully. It was like he was treadding on thin ice.

Iris smiled slightly back, before turning to Caitlin. She wasn't sure if HR knew about the tapes, so she started with a more casual conversation starter.

"Where's Cisco?" She said lightly, giving Caitlin a glare which told her she needed to talk in private.

"Oh, he's at home. I gave him the day off, he wasn't... 100% today." Caitlin replied, "Iris, do you want to go on a coffee run with me? I'll pay."

Iris nodded and said goodbye HR, promising to bring him back a coffee as well. Once they were out of earshot, Iris turned to Caitlin, getting straight to the point.

"Was he lying?"

Caitlin visably paled, her eyes grew cold yet sad. Iris nearly panicked as visions of Killer Frost entered her mind. But she swallowed her shock as Caitlin's face softened, and her eyes returned to normal.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about Caitlin! You was the first!" Iris bursted.

Caitlin looked away, purposely avoiding eye contact. "Not necerrsarily. The first one to be on them. But not the first to hear them."

"What?" Iris frowned, "You were the first one, you had to pass it to the second. It had to be you who heard it first."

"Seeing as you don't know, I take it you've only heard my tape?" Caitlin looked at her questionably, shifting her balance from one foot to the other.

Iris couldn't find words, confused as to how Caitlin knew. Caitlin laughed at her expression and shook her head, eyes cast down to the floor. "You were always so predictable when it came to Barry."

She looked back up to stare at Iris, only finding confusion, grief, and loss in the newly widow's eyes. She smiled sympathetically, "Unfortunately, Iris. You were not the person Barry trusted most, no matter how much you try to believe it."

"But I'm... was his-"

"Wife? Fiancè? Girlfriend? It didn't matter, he didn't trust you."

Iris suddenly found it hard to breathe, the pieces of the jigsaw slowly coming together into her mind, "The tape will tell me why, won't it?"

Caitlin nodded silently, "Before you ask what tape you're on, Iris, maybe you should just sit down and listen. Rules are rules. I can't tell you where you stand in his list of priorites."

Iris looked pleadingly, "I have so many questions, Caitlin. Please help me."

"I can't. I'm sorry. But I know someone who can." Caitlin said.

"Who?" Iris was ready, even if it were Zoom, she'd go. She needed to understand.

"Before he... Barry made two copies of the tapes. One for the first person, and one for the person he trusted the most. The person he trusted was enrolled with the job of making sure this entire thing doesn't fall apart... keep the flow going." Caitlin explained.

"Who is it?" Iris threw her hands in the air.

Silence littered the atmosphere around them for a moment before Caitlin whispered quietly,

"Oliver Queen."

And Iris's whole world seemed to pause.


	4. Coffee with the Vigilante

Iris: We need to talk. *Sent at 9:37AM*

Oliver: About? *Received at 9:37AM*

Iris: Him. The Tapes. You know what. *Sent at 9:38AM*

Oliver: Where are you? *Received at 9:38AM*

Iris: Heading towards Jitters. *Sent at 9:38AM*

Oliver: I'll be there in 5. *Received at 9:39AM*

Iris put her phone away as she entered to coffee shop. The cold biting wind fading into nothing as the warm building caused her fingers to tingle. She joined the cue of other mind numbingly cold people in hopes of getting a decent, hot coffee. Not only to warm her up, but to keep her mind buzzing, she needed to think. Hard. But her shock overpowered any logical region of her brain.

As the minutes ticked by, Iris reflected. She realised just how much her life has turned to shit. Her fiancé killed himself, her friends are all distraught, her family is torn apart, and suddenly there are these dark deep secrets, coming to light from under the surface. One question kept soaring through her mind...

What's on her own tape?

Maybe it was because she took the ring off the first time he proposed? Maybe it's because she was meant to die in the future? Maybe it's because of that one time in 9th grade where she was so mad at him (for something she can barely remember now) that she spread a rumour about him liking both boys and girls.

What a cheesy rumour. So cliché.

Yet she'd never forget the amount of torment Barry had got for it. The bulling, the death threats, the self destructive behaviour. And when Joe had found out, and tried to force him to tell him who started it, he still wouldn't tell the detective it was her, which only caused another argument between the father and son.

Up to this day, Joe still doesn't know what his daughter did to his son, he still doesn't realise how much guilt she holds because she had ruined Barry's chance at decent teenage hood in High School. He most likely never will.

Unless they're on the tapes, and Joe is too.

"Ma'am?" The Barista barked. Iris jerked out of her thoughts and snapped up to look at the man. He had a light brown stubbly beard, with brownish red hair and brown eyes. He seemed around 27 years old.

She ordered Two Flash Espresso's (choking slightly at the reminder) before checking her phone again.

About 5 minutes later, another barista (20 year old young woman, Iris remembered her being a friend of Tracy's) handed her order. She paid and went to find a table, only to find the great Oliver Queen already sitting at one, staring directly at her.

Intimidating.

She walked over, a mask of confidence cascading over her grief-striking fearful persona. She placed the coffee's down, handing one to the vigilante (who accepted it gratefully) before settling in herself.

"Hi." Oliver started.

"Hey."

"How are you?" Oliver asked stupidly, already knowing the answer.

"Really Oliver? How do you think I'm doing?"

"Well, if you're anything like me, really fucking shit."

Iris raised an eyebrow, "You barely saw him?"

"Apparently we all barely saw him feeling like that and all he was hiding as well, Iris." And Iris rightfully remained quiet instead of arguing back. She pursed her lips slightly, looking at her ripped jeans, trying to figure out what to say.

Oliver sipped his coffee, feeling the burn down his throat.

"So why are you in Central City? Doesn't Star need it's green vigilante?" Iris asked lightly, stalling.

"The funeral was yesterday, Iris. And I swore to Barry that if anything happened to him, I'd keep a look out for you guys. I'd make sure Wally was okay in the field, keep track on the crime rate, ensure all of you are looking after yourselves... all that. I was planning to leave in a couple weeks. Speedy, Dig and the others can hold out until I do." He answered simply. Iris nodded, grateful that Oliver would look out for her younger brother. Just like he did Barry. If something happened to Wally, Iris knew she couldn't lose him too.

They couldn't lose each other.

Then again, she had thought that she couldn't lose Barry, yet here she was… talking to Oliver Queen about Barry's recorded suicide notes after he was dead and buried.

The coffee suddenly tasted bitter in her mouth. She cringed at the cup (and her thoughts) before continuing. "What the hell in going on Oliver?"

At this point, Oliver gave up with the talk over coffee, he pushed the cup aside and responded with, "You tell me what you know, and I'll fill in the rest."

Iris sighed in annoyance, but reluctantly replied, "Okay, so Barry… he… um… he made tapes for us to listen to about why he killed himself. He believes that there are 13 reasons why and he says each tape has a different person and that the listener will be mentioned."

Oliver looked at the table, seemingly calculating. Before he tilted his head and frowned, "Barry… he believes these tapes are a way of character. Crazy, I know, but he believes that the way he went about this was… memorable. That it will be more of a life lesson than closure. More of an accusation than a goodbye. I can't tell you what everyone did, what you did, because it is up to you to listen to the tapes, Iris. It is what Barry wanted."

"But you know what we did? What I did?" She asked.

"Yes." He answered simply.

"And you don't hate us? Me?" Iris continued.

"No." Oliver chuckled slightly. Iris' eyebrows creased in confusion.

"But I killed him." She said seriously. She can't forgive herself and she doesn't even know what she did. How can Oliver even look at her?

Oliver began to standup, grabbed his jacket before saying, "We all did, Iris." And he began to walk out with that.

Stubbornly, Iris followed. "Hey! You can't just leave like that! You know something. Oliver!"

Oliver stopped in place, pursing his lips slightly, and turned around. He his slight annoyance with a slight smile when he saw Iris's tearful face. "Listen to the tapes, Iris. It'll make sense soon enough."

And with that, he walked away from the grieving girl, carrying his own grief with him.

Iris, stood there stunned. She watched as the leather jacket slowly disappeared amongst the crowd. Listen to the tapes, Iris. Her eyes filled with tears, grief and stress, confusion and frustration all catching up to her at once. Listen to the tapes, Iris. Everything was happening at once. She didn't know what to do. What could she do?

Listen to the tapes, Iris.

She stopped panicking, stopped her thoughts from running away from her control. She stopped all the questions. Stopped everything. Her heels clicked as she walked, determined, to the nearby bench. Her shaking hand reached inside her bag, and pulled out the tape, the player, and the headphones.

After fiddling with them for a minute, she put the headphones in and played the tape.

"Well, you came back. Good. I thought you might."

Iris couldn't help but smile at Barry's smartass personality. Because he knew they'd come back. They all would. She would.

"I'm not going to get into a long introduction. You and I both know what this is. So, Number 2. Welcome to your tape…"

It was here, where Iris realized something important.

In order to stop everything, she always had to press play.

And slowly, the tape rolled on.


	5. Tape 1, Side B (part 1)

"So, Cisco... ready for your tape? I'm sure you already have an idea on what it's about."

Iris took a deep breath, sinking down into the cool damp wood of the bench outside Jitters. She focused on the people walking past, trying not to focus on the fact that she was listening to her dead best friends' suicide note.

She knew this wasn't the best place, and that maybe somewhere more private would be appropriate, but she had to hear his voice. She had to hear him now.

"You know, I never ever thought I'd say this in a bad way, Cisco, but... where do I start?"

She could literally feel the sting of guilt Cisco was bound to feel at that. That hollow emptiness they all felt when that casket was lowered in the ground next to Nora and Henry Allens' graves.

"See Cisco, when I sat in my room earlier tonight, I couldn't figure out where my life had gone so wrong. Where exactly do I pinpoint the time where I continously felt to urge to die? Well, I wrote it all down, I planned it. Recorded it. And I realised Cisco, you have done many things to me that one would consider, betrayal."

Her ears perked up at that. Flashpoint wasn't necersarily betrayal... so what else has Cisco done?

"Now I won't drag on with the pipeline fiasco, you all did that, so it will be in all of your tapes, but I doubt you all would like to hear a constant lecture about it, despite how much you all may miss my voice at this point in time."

She laughed grimly, he was always the smartass.

"But let's start with number one of tape two! Drumroll please..."

Breathe in...

"...the Cold gun."

...And choke the breath out. What did Cisco have to do with the Cold gun?

"Now I do understand your reasonings, I do. Which is ironic with what I'm going to talk about later on. But I can't help but think, why the hell would you have killed me with ice if I wasn't who you expected me to be when I woke up?"

What the hell?

"Yeah, that's right everyone. Cisco built the Cold gun with the intent to put me down of I was some psycho you hear about on "Making a Murderer" on Netflix. Crazy, right?"

Shock shivered through Iris' veins.

"Who, in their right mind, intends to kill some random stranger by freezing them to death? Who has to be so sick to even think about making a weapon like that? Let alone make it."

Logically, Iris knew Barry was right. It should've taken someone as sick as Eobard to build something like that, and they all knew he didn't know anything about it.

"The next was the pipeline, but I'm not going to get into that. Then, Cisco, then it was your greatest moment of all... after Flashpoint. You know, where I brutally murdered your brother in cold blood?"

Okay even Iris knew that Cisco didn't think of it like that. But she also knew the amount of pain and guilt Barry felt for it every single day.

Come to think of it, Iris momentirily wondered how Barry hadn't... ended it... sooner. She knew she wouldn't have been able to handle a week of that pressure, let alone the amount of time Barry held onto it and still managed to fake a smile.

She'd have saved him if she'd known.

God, if only she had known.

"See, aside from the fact that you decided to kick me when I was down and make me feel like I was completely irrevelant, a fuck up and useless everyday, you were so blinded by your logic that I killed your brother to realise one thing... you easily turned the tables on yourself. Because the thing is, you believed that I indirectly murdered your brother through Cause and Effect."

Anticipation was the worst kind of agony. Iris has realised that many times. When Barry was struck by lightning, everytime Barry was hurt, who the Reverse Flash and Zoom were, and now, what Barry was talking about.

"Then doesn't that mean you killed my parents Cisco?"

And with that, time stopped. But alas, it continued.

"Now now, stop frowning and furrowing your eyebrows in confusion. Stop for a minute, and let me explain."

Smartass.

"So, if I changed the timeline which caused your brother to get killed, that makes me a murderer. So Cisco, you must be a serial killer, seeing as you made me the Flash when you activated the particle accelerator. Which, indirectly, killed my parents, Ronnie, Eddie, Trajectory, and killed so many others during the singularity and Zooms' reign. What? Are you shocked at how logical it is? Have you just realised your mistake? Or just how much of a shitty pathetic friend you really were when I needed you?... When we needed each other, bro."

His voice cracked and Iris could see him crying as he spoke, alone. She felt like she couldn't breathe knowing that he was hurting and no one noticed. In fact, it hurt her knowing they had caused him pain themselves and not noticed. It was only then Iris came out of her daze when a hand rested on her shoulder. She whipped round, the earphones falling out in the process. She quickly pressed pause as to not miss anything before refocusing her attention on the old man sitting beside her.

"Are you okay, ma'am?" He asked concerned.

He was an old man, with wrinkles and white hair. His teeth were yellow and his lips were thin. His eyes seemed squinted and he was wearing a blue fleece with jeans and black shoes. He seemed kind, approachful.

"Yes, yes I'm fine thank you." She responded, her voice cracking.

"Ma'am, you're crying. Would you like me to call someone? A cab?" He asked.

"No, no I'm okay. Just, grieving someone I lost a long time ago." She smiled sadly.

The mans' eyes went from concern to sadness and understanding.

"I'm very sorry. I lost my wife last week to dementia." He said, obviously looking for conversation.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Iris said, wiping away her tears.

"Thank you, did you lose someone close to you?"

"My best friend who became my fiancè." She said automatically, her face morphing into surprise when she said it.

"How? If you don't mind me asking."

"Suicide." She looked at the ground, forcing the word to her lips, each syllable leaving a sour aftertaste.

"I'm so very sorry. Would you like to talk about it?"

"I don't know what there would be to talk about. He killed himself, didn't leave a note, so we'll never understand why." She lied.

"You will." The man said.

Iris turned to him, "I'll what?"

He looked at her as he stood up from the bench, "You'll understand someday, you just have to look in the right places. I got closure with my wife, ma'am, and she didn't even remember me when I held her during her final breaths. You'll get closure with your fiancè. Lovers always do. Goodbye ma'am, I do hope you'll find happiness."

Iris was stunned, yet she forced out, "Me too, I hope you're happy yourself. Thank you." And she watched the man walk away.

She wiped her face once more, before standing up and gathering her things. She couldn't do this here, not in public. Hearing Barry's pain hurt too much. She had to go somewhere where she would be left alone in her grief, and she knew exactly where, but she needed a ride.

She pulled out her phone from her coat pocket, and called the most recent number.

It took three rings before they answered.

"Iris."

"Oliver, I need a ride." She said bluntly.

"Where?"

She took a deep, silent breath, everything around her becoming white noise. She blinked before saying,

"Barry Allens' grave."

It was time she kept playing. The only way now, was to move foward, and to do that, she had to find out the past


	6. Tape A, Side B (part 2)

Chapter Text

Iris's chest hurt.

It was agonising.

She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything.

It was like there was this huge weight hanging on her lungs and heart by hooks. It was pulling her down, stretching and tearing away at her breath and her soul.

Before, before she was here, she was... numb to it. As if she knew it was there but wasn't aware of the pain.

But now, now she could see it. Now this was real.

And it hurt.

Tears fell freely down her face as she sat on the freshly grown grass, staring at the stone which marked a loss she'd never been able to lose.

'Barthomew Henry Allen

July 11th 1992 - 29th April 2017

Age 24

A loving son, fiancè, brother and friend

You shall be missed'

Her glazed eyes stared at the text set in stone.

He was gone. He was really, very gone.

And what was worse?

He wasn't ever coming back. Like he usually did, he always seemed to find a way back to her, but now, now she wasn't enough for him to stay.

Ignoring the man behind her, Iris fell to her knees by the gravestone, sobbing disgustingly.

She wasn't a pretty crier when she was properly crying. Her skin became clammy and her entire face creased into a raisin, while she had snot and tears running down her face.

Barry was a pretty crier. His skin never became too clammy or blotchy. And his eyes glazed over like newly cut glass. The tears running down his face would look like crytals and his face never creased in a way that made him look older. Instead, it made him look younger and more vunerable.

She hated that she could remember his face when he cried.

She didn't react when Oliver crouched down beside her, hugging her awkwardly, but she accepted any consolation he could give right now.

"It's going to be okay, Iris." Was all he said but God, he sounded like Barry.

She only cried harder.

After about 20 minutes, Iris stopped crying, only her sniffles echoing through the graveyard. They both stood up, and Oliver offered to get coffee so that she had time alone. He left, leaving Iris to do what she needed to do.

"Hey, Bear." She smiled painfully.

She took a deep shuddering breath before continuing, "I, um... I really miss you."

"I've uh, got the... the tapes. That you left. I haven't finished them but... whatever I did Barry, I'm so sorry."

She looked at the grass, kicking it with her feet slightly. "I barely got through Caitlins' tape, but now with Cisco... I know-knew what he was doing to you, we all did... and I-we didn't help you or defend you. And I'm sorry for that."

Her eyes flicked to the sky, licking her lips slightly, "I-uh don't even know why I'm here. I figured I should listen to the rest of Cisco's tape... with you with me, Bear. I can't do this without you." She forced herself not to breakdown again.

"I love you, Bear. I love-d you, I still do, and I always will."

She reached into her bag and pulled out the tape and earphones. As she put the last one in, she saw something standing out amongst the grey headstones.

She looked up to see someone dressed in white. A white suit.

She gasped. "Barry."

He seemed peaceful. Every muscle she'd ever heard of seemed relaxed, and his skin was blemished completely. His hair was styled as it always was, and he was smiling.

Not the fake smile he had or the happy smile. Just...

A content one.

They held eye contact, Iris not blinking for the fear of not seeing him again. She tried to memorise every feature of him she could. Each hair strand, freckle, eyelash... all the little things she took for granted.

He smiled more contently at her, nodding towards her in a motion which could mean 1000 words.

Alas, she blinked.

And he was gone.

The ghost of Barry Allen literally haunted her.

She shook her head solemnly before sitting down on the grass, staring straight at the headstone before her; and she pressed play.

"Anyway..." he sniffled, continuing right where he left off.

"The next thing you did, Ramon, now that, that is story to tell." He laughed harshly. Iris believed for a moment

that this wasn't Barry. Not her Barry anyway.

"So, uh, to anyone listening who wasn't apart of that - would've been -awesome team up with some old friends, I'd listen in... because Cisco hear nearly damn got me killed."

What? How did Cisco of all people nearly get Barry killed when they all had fucking aliens hovering over their heads?

"To summerise it, Cisco is really bad at revealing things at right times."

Iris's eyes widened.

No.

"Good old Cisco thought that during a fucking alien invasion - where we would need each others backs might I add - was a perfectly suitable time to tell my team that, well, I fucked up their lives and they couldn't trust me. And trust is a two way street, so suddenly, I couldn't trust anyone. Thank you Cisco, thank you for rendering me truly and utterly alone."

Iris didn't realise she was hyperventilating until black spots danced in her vision.

He wasn't alone. He was never alone. Didn't he see that he had her?

"Is this what you wanted, Cisco? For me to feel like if I had died on some sort of mission, you wouldn't have noticed? That no one would've? By the way you were acting, it was. And if you have these tapes, well, you succeeded." The tape chuckled in Iris's ear.

"Do you know what was worse? When I was willing to sacrifice myself to the Dominators in order to save the World, you wouldn't let me, and you called me your 'friend'. Why couldn't you let me go? I wanted to die Cisco! You wanted me to disappear so why didn't you let me leave? I hate what I'm about to do, but God, I could have died a hero if you'd let me. I-I c-could've redeemed myself for Flashpoint, but you refused me that, and it wasn't your choice to make." Barry and Iris began crying together.

Barry wanted to die. Barry was going to kill himself and not say goodbye to her.

Well, he did that anyway, but this was sacrifice.

And he didn't tell her? Neither did Cisco, or Felicity or-

A hand placed itself on her shoulder.

Oliver.

She ignored him, determined to at least finish Cisco's story.

"Things weren't the same. You still looked at me with hatred now and again, before remembering you had 'forgiven me'. And I couldn't handle it Cisco, any of it. I should be sorry, but I'm not. Because if I was, the amount of times I've been sorry for something... I might as well be sorry for existing."

"Ironic given the circumstances." He laughed. "Sorry, I guess."

Iris wanted to scream at him because of how, collected he was. It was like he had accepted his fate long before it was even decided.

"But, don't worry Cisco! You aren't the only one who made me feel like an outcast or unwanted, which actually brings us to the next tape. Our third reason! My question is, can you handle it?"

She'd done it. She'd listened to Cisco's tape.

She didn't know how she felt about it.

"Listen to the first side of the second tape for the rest of the story."

She pulled the earphones out of her ears hastily. Angry at Cisco, at Barry, herself.

The fucking World.

"You okay, Iris?" A rough voice startled her.

Oliver.

She'd forgotten he was there. She looked at him with tearful eyes.

"Tell me everything." He growled through gritted teeth. His face scrunched into one of confusion.

"About what?" He whispered.

"What happened with the Dominators."

If Oliver Queen's face could show anymore confusion and understanding at the same time, it did. "Why?"

She looked down at the ground for a moment, forming the sentence into words so it made sense.

Iris looked back up at Oliver, "Because I need to know the real story - the truth - before I talk to Cisco Ramon."


End file.
